My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
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People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?