INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
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Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Breaking news:
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.