i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
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Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
never compromise your values
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.