If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
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I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.