I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
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This is painfully accurate 😅
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.