Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
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I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.