How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
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Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
The best plant holders?