“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
You Might Also Like
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Flock of bats
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars