New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
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Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
[eulogy]
line?
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Mistakes were made
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.