If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
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massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Aw man, but that’s the best part
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water