If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
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Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”