To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
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In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Breaking news:
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
lol
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
when you don’t want to be too vague
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.