“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
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Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
We need to put an American base on the sun
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)