“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
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How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.