“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
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PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.