Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
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I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Baking is just science you can eat.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog