Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
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There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
gentlemen, hear me out
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”