*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
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me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.