My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
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me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns