Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
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PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.