Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
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Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I never know how much to tip a cow.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~