A woman drives into a bar.
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*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.