How about I get 100% off by already being there
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I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Happy Halloween 🎃
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
saw this in a dream
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”