The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
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Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Perfect
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.