“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
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Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*