My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
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Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.