I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
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The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.