Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
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What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*