I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
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the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.