Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
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I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Pigeon open mic night.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Dance like you’re not the father
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.