(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
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co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I falcon love using swear birds
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.