If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
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if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.