wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
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At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
set yourself free xox
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
spot the difference
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Has science gone too far?
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger