*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
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[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
We decided to have money instead of children.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Knock Knock
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA