[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
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me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
I’d love this…lol
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.