If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
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Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
even bears disappoint their mothers
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
wtf is an acronym
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.