[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
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One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.