Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
You Might Also Like
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Breaking news:
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
find these 10 emoji for no good reason