Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
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I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Raisins are grape jerky.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…