I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
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subtitles are so good nowadays
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
the three genders
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it