when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
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My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
cause of death:
autopsy.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
I have never related to a cat more
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.