Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
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Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*