How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
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In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
😂🤣😂🤣
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?