To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
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Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂