Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
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Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
We like the way Dwight thinks
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.