My plans: 2020:
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We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
The prophecy is fulfilled
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
This squirrel eats better than I do
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
sleeping beauty
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can