No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
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Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
LOOOOOOL
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.