Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
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I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War