Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
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I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Do not levitate over flowers
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.