I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
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[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.